holidays and revelations.

We're finally on holidays. It's a pretty good feeling. No uni work, no especially tedious obligations... just fun, free time and potential money-making opportunities. There's not much else I can say about holidays, really, since they only started recently. But Jiangu's back from Canberra for a while, which is good ^^

So that was the 'holidays' part of the post. Now comes the second [longer] part. Hem. 

I've turned into a megabitch. I don't know when or how it happened, but the other day I realized that I say mean things, for which I have no form of justification. It's not like I even have to TRY to be horrible; I just say the wrong thing ALL the time. And it sucks, because one, I don't know why I do it, and two, the words slip out of my mouth and by the time I realize that it was a mean thing to say, it's too late to take them back. So I'm going to try to think longer before I actually open my mouth to speak. Maybe my people skills are getting even rustier or something, and I'm forgetting how to be nice. I should probably figure out where I went wrong and fix it, unless I want to die alone and unloved. Which I don't. Obviously. [People say "die alone in a hole" all the time, but I changed it, seeing as the "in a hole" bit, although it has a nice ring to it, doesn't make a lot of sense. Just saying.]

Also, upon further self examination, I think I'm too suspicious and critical of people I don't know. Which I should ALSO get over, unless I want to die alone and blah blah blah, except I'm not exactly sure how to go about it >_>  So yeah... I've figured out why I can't make friends at uni. Now I just have to find a way to get over myself and make better habits. Easier said than done. 

Just for the record, I don't dedicate time to sitting around in a room by myself examining the inner workings of my mind and soul xD  Things happen, and sometimes something'll click, and I'll be like "Oh. *take mental note*. That might be why __[insert something here___]". Just incase you all start thinking I'm a complete freak O.o

Anyways. I tried to go for a run earlier, but I got about a quarter of the way around the park before I realized that it was getting really dark really fast. And being in Centennial Park alone at night isn't the best thing ever. So as a result, I got home early, and my parents are still at the gym. So I'll go and make an attempt to be the dutiful daughter, and do dinner preparation whatnot. 

Much love. 

Death in the form of a take home exam.

I HATE SOCIOLOGY. IT'S A FUCKING PLAGUE. No, actually, it's worse than a plague. What's worse than a plague...? Okay, fine, it's death. Death followed by the butchering of the body parts, followed by burning in hell for all eternity, followed by the unceremonious digging up of the butchered body parts, followed by the consumption of the rotting flesh by a cannibal. Who happens to have a plague. That's what sociology is.

You'd think that a take home exam would be easier. Well, at least I thought that a take home exam would be easier. But in reality, it's not. In reality it's death followed by the butchering of the body parts, followed by burning in hell for all eternity, followed by the unceremonious digging up of the butchered body parts, followed by the consumption of the rotting flesh by a cannibal who happens to have a plague.

I'd rather have a normal exam, I think. Just cos you do it, and then it's over. You can't get up from doing a normal exam and go "I think I'll go check my facebook now, and come back and finish this later". You can't get up from a normal exam and go type up a blog entry just cos you can't be fucked putting in the effort just at the moment. Hell, you don't have to use full referencing in a normal exam. My take home exam questions came out on friday, and they're due on wednesday. As of now, I've written two incomplete piece of shit introductions for two separate questions, and have NO idea what I'm talking about. So now all I have to do is finish the two essays I started, write two more, and then I'm done. Joy. Granted, they don't have to be too long [600-900 words each], but the questions are all horrible. For example, the one I was trying to do just before I decided I didn't want to think about it any more was: "Race, Ethnicity and nation are often understood as social and political constructs whose membership and meaning are shifting and contested. Critically discuss this claim with reference to contemporary Australian identity". I swear to god my brain shut off as soon as I saw the word 'political' thrown in there ==" *bashes head against keyboard* Not to mention that half the questions want you to relate things to contemporary Australian society. GAH >_<""""""""

I should probably go now... I've had my mini rant. If I pass this exam I'm going to be ridiculously proud of myself.

Curtain Call..? And other things.

First thing's first. Okay, so I know that practically no one gives a shit about the wonder that is Wicked, but I just have one thing to say. I got an email [cos i signed up for the updatey thing on the website] that said that Wicked is leaving Regent theatre, its place of origin, in August. And it made me sad :( cos i realized that someday the original cast is going to move on, there're going to be new people who're never going to live up to the originals in my mind, and eventually the showing of the musical of musicals is going cease altogether [at least for a while], leaving the poor, unwickedenlightened people to wonder what schwartz crossed with macguire would have produced. okay, so the obsession might be a little... obsessive. but i swear to god that every time i see that poster near central, a part of me dies T_T partially cos i love the music and the costumes and the story, and partially cos i wish so much i could sing like that but i can't. stupid dumbass vocal chords that can't do shit >_>

anyways.

i haven't updated this blog in about half a year. sorry, bloggy. i still love you.

I'm killing time until I go to suess... speaking of which, I saw guyiwishiwasolderforman [well, one of them..] at fisher earlier today in my peripheral vision, and i think he saw me too. i was considering doing an ubersuave "breeze by, look back over my shoulder and smile charmingly" maneuver, until i remembered that my lopsided gash of a mouth is incapable of producing a charming smile of any sort, and that i couldn't possibly be ubersuaeve, as i fail at being anything except retarded, and chances are that i'd trip over my own feet as i turned my head. so i just kept walking. how cool am i? ( ' . ' )v

I can't wait for vacation, i swear to god. i can't wait until the day that i wake up in the morning, think "shit, what've i got to do today?" and then realize that there's actually nothing to be done except sleep, make money or go out and have fun. oh, sweet anticipation.

i think we should go on a group trip somewhere... maybe not these holidays, since i know that amanda's pretty much booked out, and she's the only one who can drive [legally], but we should go on a road trip someday. maybe at the end of the year..? hopefully i'll have my license by then... no need to look so concerned. i'm a decent driver, thank you very much. I've never backed into anything, driven into anything, run the car over the curb, hit a pedestrian, flattened a stray dog or crinkled the hood on a telegraph pole. whenever the topic of me being a driver for a roadtrip comes up, there's always at least one person who expresses their... well, their value for life. i'm a good driver, dammit! just cos i fail at all other aspects of life... the injustice. *hmph* lol.

one hour and eight minutes until my thing starts... =.=" i think i'll stop typing now, before i go into commentary mode and start telling you things like "the girl three computers across from me is wearing earphones. they look like cheap earphones..." or "i never noticed how colorful the tables are at scitech" or "i really really want a chocolate donut right now". i guess i should go study spanish... T_T a mi me no le gusta espanol hoy. or ever, actually. maybe if i study it i'll like it better... meh.

anyways, much love <3

... ><" ....

Okay, so... there are a couple people who know about the josh fiasco. I think most people have heard from me about how AMAZINGLY FUN the grammar formal was [please note the sarcasm], but there were all these things that came after that. And it they all suck. Majorly.

To break it down for you guys, and to keep this as a record of my own destructive qualities, here's how it went.

1) Went to grammar formal. knew nobody. nobody talked to me. josh talked to me very little.
2) Left about 45 mins early. told josh he should definitely stay on, but he ended up coming with me.
3) Told cabbie to go to Randwick
4) decided halfway through taxi ride [travelled in silence] that i very much needed some chocolate.
5) asked cabbie to go to randwick junction.
6) josh didn't offer to come
7) Josh was dropped at home.
8) I went to randwick junction, asked the cabbie to wait, bought chocolate, and went straight home.
9) Josh got pissed at me for an unknown reason. I worried. a LOT. [i later found out that wasn't just pissed off. he was angry. really fucking angry. but his anger was "perfectly well contained" or some shit, according to an sms i got from him.]
10) Eventually talked to him about it.
11) Josh felt "fucked over" by the fact that i went to buy chocolate after the formal, and that i apparently deemed going to randwick junction more important than "other things". [to which i responded by asking whether by 'other things' he meant 'staying at his formal and feeling like a total loser some more'].
12) was asked whether i had PLANNED to not talk to people and leave early from formal [cos those are obviously the kind of things you plan to do], and if i had PLANNED to feel loserly, i shouldn't have gone in the first place.
13) argued some more
14) i asked him what he wanted me to do, since i had been apologizing sincerely throughout the phone call and it didn't seem to be doing any good.
15) was told that i would need to "figure it out myself"
16) told him AGAIN that i was sorry, and that i had no fantastic powers with which i could rewind time and do it all again, and that all i could really do at this stage [or any stage, in fact]was apologize.
17) was informed that my apologies would be thought about and perhaps not accepted
18) the above comment was not taken well.
19) Josh emphasized his extreme anger some more. Other words were exchanged.
20) Boom. Friendship over. That's right. The end. Finito. Just like that.

And somewhere in the arguing part it was implied about three times that i am not a "decent person", and that what i did was completely mindless and inconsiderate, and that i didn't think at all about the implications of my actions, and that it was one of the most inconsiderate things that anyone has ever done to him. The whole ordeal was worse than what i make it sound like. parts of it in my summary sound almost comical. Trust me, they were NOT comical. I was pretty much in tears by the end of it. He actually made me feel like complete shit.

You may well be wondering why i care at all... well... I know i bag him out a lot, but god knows i pay out people i'm close to and still love them to pieces. Not that i love josh to pieces, but you catch my drift. I really liked him as a friend. Just nothing more.

I'm not sure how i stand on the whole thing just yet... At first i was pretty depressed about it, but now i'm kind of going through stages of being sad and being indignant and being angry. Cos i can see why he'd be mad at me, but what i still don't understand is why he got THIS mad. I mean, yeah, it probably was really inconsiderate and thoughtless of me, but a lot of the time i just do things without thinking about it first. All i thought was "It was a pretty crap night. Need chocolate", and going to buy chocolate seemed like a logical answer. Apparently not T.T

But... is it unreasonable of me to think that maybe HE'S being a little unreasonable? I understand that he's angry, but... i'm probably blocked or deleted on msn, and am de-friended on both facebook and in real life. I see it as a bit of an over reaction, but maybe i'm just missing something again. Argh, i don't know anymore!!! *pulls out hair* DX

Anyways, sorry for the rant, but the whole thing just happened really quickly and was kind of confusing. I'm going to try and forget about it all now, but it's a little difficult. I mean, I destroyed a friendship. How about that. Didn't know i had it in me ><

I hate fucking english.

So, as you can see by the title, my bouts of what i have deemed 'hsc-triggered swearing' have started kicking in. i nearly described english paper 2 as "fucking english paper 2" in front of my mother, but managed to turn it into an elongated 'ffffffffffffffffff' before the whole word came out. so no harm done.

i had an entire weekend- an entire fucking weekend - to study for this exam which is without a doubt the worst out of all the english exams. even extension is better than advanced paper 2. it's nearly 10:30pm and i've only looked at module A, and very briefly at that. Module C should be okay if i give it a quick read over later on, but module B, in the skin of a fucking lion, is going to be my ultimate downfall. it'll be about 2.5 pages in massive, massive writing, saying things like.. well, here's a sneak preview into my module B essay:

"In the skin of a lion is a book written by Michael Ondaatje. It's about a guy named Patrick. It's set in Canada [i think]. It involved migrant loggers who speak a different language, stuff about light and dark, moths, bridges and nuns. Patricks first girlfriend was called Clara, and during one of their sexual encounters he deemed it appropriate to consume his own semen. Clara left him for some other guy, and then Patrick had a relationship with Alice."

and that's my essay. in a nutshell. I told nuz that if i'm definitely, royally screwed over for this one, i'm going to incorporate the bit about patrick eating his own semen. I'm sure that the markers will be totally impressed about my knowledge of the book and my attention to details. Anyway. The last thing i'm going to say tonight about module B is that i hate michael ondaatje and his stupid fucking book. Yeah, take that michael ondaatje DX

I can't WAIT for this to be over. I can't wait to take my school stuff, soak it in kerosene and set it on fire. Although i'm not sure whether i'll be able to do that, since Nuz and i are struggling to find a way in which to burn even a few momentus items such as a cheapo copy of dumbass ondaatje's book, some postmoderism stuff, the front page of our imaginative journeys poem booklets with coleridge's picture on the front and some math things, let alone an entire garbage bag full of educational shit. Nuz pointed out that a campground would be appropriate, since they have bonfire areas and stuff, and i got all excited, but then we both kinda realized that there're no camping grounds in sydney. Well, fuck. How else are we supposed to embrace our inner pyromaniac whilst simultaneously decontaminating ourselves from the plague of the hsc? *sigh*

Anyway, i should go now and do a couple hours of cramming. Good luck to you all for english paper 2 and the rest of the hsc. Like jennyya said, we need to organize days out and stuff afterwards, kay? <3 [and we can knock jolene out with a blowdart and drag her to join our festivities].

Shall see you all tomorrow for fun times DX

who's damn idea was this, anyway?

okay, so... trials start on tuesday. its now 12:30am on monday. i've spent most of my time studying for math, and am still failing at past papers. because of the preoccupation with math, i have not learned anything for modern history, nor have i memorized any english essays, studied for history extension, or even started looking at bio. therefore, math is the center of all problems, and is a fucking plague upon the world. that's right. i've also started swearing like a truckie. delightful, sarah. really intelligent.

you might be wondering why i'm typing a blog entry if i'm so screwed. well, i've given up hope of getting a UAI of above, oh, let's say, 30. i shall be a scar on the face of SGHS, i shall get a little asterix * on my paper, i shall take the paper with the asterix * on it to a bar, and i shall get free beer. see? there's a silver lining to everything.

the one thing i would like to know right now is... who the FUCK thought that it would be a good idea to introduce this stupid hsc in the first place? i was talking to amanda on the phone about the matter a couple days ago, and here's my theory...:

fuckwit #1: I don't think that our students are under enough stress.

other fuckwits: yes. we agree.

fuckwit #1: We have no means to differentiate them.

other fuckwits: yes. we agree.

fuckwit #1: i have a plan. i think that we should put them through high school, lure them into a false sense of security, make them think that maybe high school isn't so bad after all, and then we can dump upon their teenage shoulders a monumental amount of unnecessary, occasionally suicidal stress that is extremely hard to deal with. we shall put them through a grinder, make them worried, frustrated, make them lose sleep, make them cry, put them in a permanent state of what would appear to be PMS, and make them all feel like supreme idiots who don't know shit about anything. We shall also force them to make important life decisions and choose career paths before some of them are even able to be recognized as legal adults. We shall complete the year with a couple of rounds of horribly stressful exams which we will deem " extremely important " , and we shall make people feel like they are going to face imminent doom if they do not do well. The people who do not perform adequately in regards to what we see as "necessary life skills", or, in other words, the people who do not hold the ability to retain and regurgitate gigantuan quantities of generally useless information, shall have their morales crushed, and shall live out their final year of high school feeling like they are going to fail at life.

other fuckwits: yes. this is indeed a wonderous and amazing idea. it shall be so.

anyways. i hope you guys are doing better than me. actually, no matter how badly you think you're doing, i can guarantee that i will always be here, doing my job and bringing up the rear, no melodrama intended. so it's all good. just promise me that a few years down the track, you guys will come and visit me in my cardboard box every now and again, and drop some money into the tin can that i will have sitting in front of my hobo blanket, next to my old shopping trolley filled with dirty clothing and other crap of a miscellaneous nature. [maybe there was some melodrama in that last bit. but who knows..?]

sooo... i don't think anybody's going to read this for a while, but i wish you all the very best of luck for trials and such, anyways. *raises champagne glass* may you all keep at it, stay strong, not complain as much as me, and do well *cheers* =]

Formal Date? o.o

I should be working my ass off right now, but just cos i'm so good at prioritizing, i thought i'd type up a blog entry instead ^^ heheheh...

So, last week [was it?] Amanda and i made a pact that we would both try to fill our date quotas [since we both registered that we were taking dates when the formal people went around asking]. Anyways, we hyped ourselves up about it on the phone, and suddenly our lives became filled with purpose XD Amanda was actually due to see her person several days ago at tutoring, and she was all prepared to ask him, but then he didn't turn up =_=" SOooo, her chance will come on Monday =] If he says no [which he shouldn't], we must firstly all hug Amanda, and then go and bash the guy for being retarded and loserly, kay? ^^ hee..

And with Amanda's moral support, i ended up asking Brian to go with me... >< he said that if he's not going away, then he'll go with me. So i'm refusing to let myself get happy about it, cos there's still a 50% chance that he won't come. So... yeh. But... 50% of a date is better than nothing, right...? And i won't even get into JJ and her "ferris-wheel-cuteness" idea. But damn you for putting these ideas in my head T.T

Hmm... well, what else have i got to say...? Amanda's house was fun [see JJ's blog], and Vicky and I are going to see Mamma Mia on Monday [alliteration!]. Call me a loser, but i love musicals ^^ And that also means that i won't be able to make it to Josh's picnic. Too bad. So sad.

Yeh... it's a little strange... i saw him walking past my house on his way to Centennial, and he was totally rude. but then i got this message from him the next day telling me that he's planning a picnic thing for monday, and would i like to join. I sent him an sms saying that i had half baked plans for Monday, and that i'd let him know. And he sends me back a message saying "half baked like a cookie?"

... yep, sure josh. Half baked like a cookie. -__-" baka. I'm going to Bondi Westfields tonight, since its thursday night shopping, so i might ask him if he wants to come with. He wanted to meet up once these holidays, and i'm not going to his picnic, so... nyeh, whatever.

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT! Fruits Basket volume 20 came out this month, so i bought it [naturally], and... and... Akito is such a biatch!!!! aaarrgghhhh!!! I got to the end, and i was like O_O / T.T / >.< / ;_; Dunno if i should care about giving spoilers and whatnot, seeing as people have either read ahead in the scanlations, or don't give a shit anyhow, but... wah... >< One of my favorite FB couples of all time might not happen!!! Oh, the agony. [See, i told you i'm fantastic at prioritizing...]

Anyways, I should go and do something constructive... maybe...

Hope you guys are all doing well, and I'll see you all on Tuesday. wh hoo. School. Oh joy of my life -___________________-

Well, negative stuff aside, hope you have a decent end of holidays =] cyaa