Make The Stars Look Like They're Not Shining

"And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while. Cos you're amazing, just the way you are".

This song has been bouncing around and around in my head for ages. I guess it's the ideal song for unattractive people =.=

As a side note, I'm seeing HPguy tomorrow afternoon. He'll probably be happier to see his umbrella being returned to him more than anything, but still... something is better than nothing, I suppose.

An Analogy

- It's like acne or a diseased, stray animal or something. I just want to kick it in the ribs and have it die so that it'll quit following me around and I can move on without it -


Was talking to A. just now. Came up with an analogy for my ridiculous liking-of-HPguy situation that's coming up to its 1.5 year anniversary. Decided to record it here just for kicks. And just in advance, come tomorrow evening I'll most likely have yet another mortifying event to pencil into my personal history. Oh well. It might take time, but in the end we regret what we didn't do more than what we did. So I guess that ultimately I'd rather know that I put myself out there than wonder why I didn't step up when I could've. In light of recent events, I suppose that I want to avoid regretting inaction [in regards to people, at least. Can't say my studies are benefiting much from this new leaf].

And anyway. Practice makes perfect. One of these days it's going to work out. It won't be tomorrow, but someday.

A Moment, A Love, A Dream, A Laugh, A Kiss, A Cry, Our Rights, Our Wrongs.

He's gone. And I cried for the first time I can remember in a situation like this. Apparently he was peaceful, and it was over quickly. Which is as much as anyone could have hoped for given his difficult circumstance.

But I'm sorry for all those days I slept in and didn't spend enough time visiting. I'm sorry we never got to share one of those beers that the nurses let Nan sneak in to the hospital room. And I'm sorry that I didn't go with mum this morning to visit, even though I could have.

Could have, would have, should have.

I'll miss him. Everyone will.

Big Girls Don't Cry

It's one of the worst things in the world to see a parent cry. Maybe it's because our whole lives, we as children got so used to being the ones shedding the tears, and having our parents pat us on the back and tell us that it's all okay, really. So when it's our turn to provide some form of comfort, we're not entirely sure how to adequately reciprocate. It's okay with peers. With friends, usually it's a matter of going to buy hot chocolate, giving hugs, lending and ear and, if applicable and appropriate, offering thorough verbally abuse of the person or people who caused the problems to try and get a smile. But it's not quite the same with an adult. And anyway, this isn't something that can be made marginally better by humor.

Nobody close to me has ever died. But I was around when dad lost both of his parents, and just today I found out that my mum doesn't expect my grandad to even make it to next Friday. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like. When I was little, I used to have nightmares about my parents dying. But I'm sure that not even the worst nightmares can compare to the actual thing, when there's no chance of waking up and knowing that none of it was real.

I have no idea what Pop's thinking. They have him so drugged up that half the time it doesn't appear that he even knows what he's saying. Sometimes he can't even get the words out, and apparently today he couldn't even find the energy to eat. He hasn't been able to walk for over a month, has his bladder connected to a bag, can't pick up a fork to feed himself. Actually, I hope he's really out of it. That way, he can't be upset about the way things are. But he'd be the only one. Watching Nan is actually heartbreaking, and in a way, as far as pain goes, she has it worse than pop does. Imagine being by the side of your husband of over 50 years, watching him slip further and further away, and knowing that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to help him get better. I can't even begin to comprehend.

The other day he asked Nan, "when are we going home?". And I felt like I was going to cry. I don't know whether he'll make it that long, but if he does, I swear that as soon as my exams are done, I'll drive the six hours to Tumut and take photos and pick up some things to bring back. He might not even recognize anything by then, but at least it'll be there.

If there is a god, where the fuck is it?

Ground Zero

So after a string of bullshit and failure, I'm reverting temporarily to my zero-expectations policy. In theory, zero expectation means zero disappointment, which would be nice for a while. So that's how it's going to be. I'm so tired of putting myself through hell for absolutely no good reason whatsoever.

"Pools of sorrow, Waves of Joy are Drifting Through My Opened Mind"

I realized today that at some point in the near future, I have to start thinking about the next stage in my life; where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do... it scares me a little, not because of the fact that I'll be starting something new... it's more the idea that there are so many possibilities. We're spoilt for choice, really. So much to do and never enough time.

All I know is that after I graduate, I'm getting the hell out of Australia for a while. Taking the midnight train going anywhere. One possibility that is growing increasingly attractive is moving to America for a while. Change of scenery, but not so much so that I'd feel entirely uncomfortable and out of my depth, yet still different enough to be entirely appreciated. Maybe I'll do a part-time post grad and work at the same time.

I'm not determined about a lot of things because I'm so goddamn lazy, but the one thing I really, really want is to not be stuck in Sydney forever. The prospect of doing that is just... well, it sucks, pretty much. It's not that I don't like Sydney, because for the most part I do, and it's where I've spent the majority of my life to date, but... I really want to go places and try new things, and not stay in one place until I'm too old to care what else is out there. Because what if I get older, and by the time I hit 30 I don't want to travel any more? I figure I should do what I can while I can.

Which reminds me. I should probably do my stupid poster [yes, a POSTER. In UNIVERSITY] for language acquisition that's due tomorrow. Sigh. I swear, when this semester finishes I will be researching American universities like there's nothing else on earth.

"Oh, please don't do that. That's so painfully dumb".

I was watching youtube clips today and not doing my assignment due Monday afternoon [and now I'm blogging. So studious], and I got around to some things of Tom Hardy. And I stumbled across this one clip that involved a mention of homosexuality. And pretty much, it was two hosts of some internet show saying that some [dumbass] interviewer asked Tom Hardy whether he'd ever had gay sex. Now, it bothers me enough that it's even an issue, today, in the 21st century, in a 'free' country, and that some people still kick up a fuss over homosexuality. But to ask that in an interview of an entirely genius actor is just plain rude, stupid, and entirely irrelevant to the cause.

However, Hardy basically replied and said [in summary] "yeah, I tried it. There were some aspects I enjoyed, some I didn't. And I still identify pretty well with gay men. So yeah, I've given it a go, but now, in my 30s, for whatever reason it just doesn't do it for me anymore".

And this brought a ton of ideas and feelings to the surface that bother me at different times. Because what he said was just so honest and "This is who I am. Don't care what you think", and to my mind provided such a stark contrast to all of those fakers, both in the celebrity world and in real life, who contort their self-image to meet a superficial end. One of the hosts then went on to say that he hopes that nobody on the movie scene starts to discriminate based on his statement, like taking away any lead roles or whatever. And I like the way he worded the next bit, so I quote: "Oh, please don't do that. That's so painfully dumb".

So I guess it's kind of two things that struck me. One, the world needs more people like Tom Hardy, who take things as they are and don't mince around the issue. And seriously people. It's not as though I'm gay, and I'm not exactly smart, but even I know that homosexuality is not a disease. You're not going to 'catch' it off somebody. It's not repulsive. If two people love each other, no matter what sex they are, then others should grow the hell up and respect that. Because it doesn't mean that they're intellectually lacking, that they have yet to 'see the light', and most importantly, it doesn't make them bad people.

And two, I wish more people could be so honest about themselves. You see it everywhere, the people who just try so hard to be part of the 'in' crowd, who try to be cool, who manipulate themselves into a better light, who are, in short, reflections of other people or shallow replications of who they wish they could be. It just makes me think of all the times I wished I were somebody else because they were 'cooler', or told white lies to smooth over my image, or pretended to like something just because people I looked up to liked it, or let other people sway my own decisions or perceptions of something. I mean, I should know better, right? Learned all that shit in psychology. Sometimes it's good to follow the crowd, and it's good to be a sheep. Like if everyone else is running away from a fire, it's probably a good idea to run with them. But when it comes to yourself and who you are... I believe it's good to take interest in what other people are saying and doing, so that you're not living in an egocentric bubble, but really... make your own opinions. And be your own person. And fuck society or anyone who tells you you're doing it wrong, that you're not cool, that what you like is stupid.

So the bottom line is: Don't be worried about showing your true colors. Because at least you're living honestly. And if any one person is decent, they should respect that, even if they don't agree with you. Because with some things, there is no right and wrong. Only opinions, different perspectives and interpretations. Roll with it.

So What.

Sometimes I worry that I don't quite fit the mould. Like there's something about me that's inherently unlikeable and awkward, and that's why I'm not so great at making new friends, and because I have no way of isolating it, I'll never be able to fix it, and as a result I'll never fit in anywhere. And sometimes I wish that I could tear myself apart, recycle, and create somebody entirely new. It doesn't exactly put me in the best of moods, but it's not like I can help it. There are times when these kinds of feelings come rushing to the surface.

But then I'm torn. Because if I were in fact one of those people who seem to know the secret handshake that in reality I can only dream about, what would I be like? I'd probably be exclusive and look down on people like the current me. And that's not how I really want to live my life. I guess I'd rather be my insignificant and rather loserly self who is willing to give anyone a chance, than somebody who looks down their nose at others just because they feel like they can.

So I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want to alter who I am to fit in [even though I don't know how], yet at other times I just think "fuck you all, I'm going be me, and I don't give a shit whether or not you judge me for it". If this means that I'm still "looking for myself" or whatever, I'm going to be pissed. Surely by 19 one should have some kind of sense of self identity. Or maybe not. Guess I'll just look back on this in a few years and see how self-realized I actually was.

Even Though You Wouldn't Want Me Too.

Apparently it's chronic. You're not quite as forgotten as I wish you were.

Oh, What A Thing To Do

"D'you know, for you I bleed myself dry. For you, I bleed myself dry"

I managed to kid myself into thinking that maybe I had a shot in hell. But then reality hit, and everything reverted to the way it should be. And although I'm glad to be looking at things somewhat realistically again, I'm just wondering... are some people just not cut out for perfect endings? Is it merely a matter of being fortunate? And if you happen to be unfortunate, then that's it, game over?

For once, just once, it would be nice to be on the inside looking out, not on the outside looking in.

Everything Is Never As It Seems

"I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind".

One one hand, I really wish I hadn't. But on the other... I wouldn't want it any other way. Guess I'll stop pretending, just go with it and see where it takes me. And I pray to my agnostic deity that I will not do anything moronic along the way.

And it would help if you stopped being so... you. Goddammit.

.

Caring is so over rated.

At The End Of The Day...

So many things about so many people. Significant enough to mean something to me, yet not quite worthy of being voiced.

----

1. Please don't turn into a dickhead. I know that you're so much better than that.

2. I'm glad that we can still talk as easily as we could before everything changed. It means more than I'm ever gonna admit to.

3. When you asked me for my opinion, I said "It's really good!". What I really meant was "It's so, so beautiful". But how could I say that?

4. You weren't there when I so desperately needed someone to save me.

5. I only realized the other day how kind you are to me, and how I smile if I make you laugh. I hope that this epiphany doesn't make me stupid.

6. Thanks for listening. I'll definitely be there for you too.

7. Please stop saying things like that. Don't go.

8. Honestly, it makes me want to slap you when you act that way. Get some perspective.

9. I'm still here with my silent apologies and the tears that you never saw.

10. Why not try climbing down from your mountain every now and again to see how the little people live?

11. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

12. I hope that one day I'll have a chance to return the favor. Maybe then you'll understand.

13. I hope you know how much I love you. Even though sometimes I don't make it easy to see.

14. I miss you.

15. Thank you. There are no other words.

Dear Professor.

Hi Professor (Insert name),

I am joyfully emailing to let you know that I am dropping the unit of study (INSERT UNIT OF STUDY), effective immediately. And for your information, despite efforts to disguise it, having a semi-severe overbite as a byproduct of a cleft palate DOES affect how you speak, hence why I struggled to complete the task you set us and made us perform individually during this week's tutorial. It was unbelievably offensive and humiliating when you informed me that you "don't think that that has any effect" on my ability to produce particular sounds, as it is painfully obvious that you yourself do not suffer from any physical irregularities that might inhibit or otherwise affect your speaking ability. Therefore, I strongly suggest not to make statements relating to such matters unless you are actually able to empathize, lest you appear an ignorant fuckhead as you did this week. I, like others with the same issue I am sure, have found alternate ways of producing certain vowels and consonants that deviate from convention; naturally, as mentioned earlier, this does mean that certain limitations are present, and at times it is not so easy. So please, keep your inconsiderate comments to yourself, and realize that you are not in fact an expert on everything to do with phonetics and speech production and life in general.

I noticed the facial expressions of several other students whom you singled out and shamed. I'd advise you to tone it down a little, as such criticism over something stupid like the task you set leads to nothing but resentment. Also, I find it disgusting that you opt to choose favorites; we are being educated at a university level here. Get the fuck over yourself.

Regards,
-Sarah


-----------


^And that is how my email would have looked if I wanted to get a written warning and probably a meeting with somebody important with the potential to do something bad to my uni education.

Smile.

If she put on nice clothes, took time in the morning to apply a little makeup and made sure her hair dried nicely she forgot what she actually looked like and felt pretty, just for a while. Just until she stepped out the door.

If she went to every class and didn't fall asleep once, if she took notes like everyone else and carried a textbook in her bag, she felt like she was doing well, just for a while. Just until she looked at the take-home questions and realized that she didn't understand a thing.

If she said hello to somebody, and exchanged a brief word or a question, she felt like she belonged. Just for a while. Just until she walked away and remembered that it was never really the same people twice.

If she spoke with him, laughed with him, listened to things he had to say, she felt like things were going okay, just for a while. Just until he waved and said "see you next week", which was when she knew that everything she thought was good didn't mean anything at all.

And if she smiled. If she smiled at home, outside, at a store, in classes, it made her believe she was happy, just for a while. Just until the shadows started growing longer and there was no more running around to be done. Just until she realized that a smile was as adequate a disguise as anything else in the world, for both her and anyone else who was around to see it. And so she smiles. Just for a while. Just until there's no one around left to convince except herself.

Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For~

So apparently a lot of the time things don't turn out the way you expect or want... But I guess that's okay. Shit happens. And idealistically, considering all the times when a fork appeared in a road where you didn't actually want one should make the times when things go right even better. So I'll just roll with that.

Uni started today... Hopefully my positive attitude will last a little longer this semester. And who knows, if I keep working on it, by second semester in my final year I might be able to stay positive for more than a week. Impossible, I hear you say. No. It'll happen one day. Speaking of positive attitude, my PSYC2012 lecturer spent a decent period of time explaining to us that those with positive attitudes towards studying statistics tend to do better in the subject. Actually, we were told that those with a positive attitude to both math and stats did the best, those with a negative attitude to math but a positive attitude to stats also did well, but those with a positive attitude to math and a negative attitude to stats or a negative attitude to both did worst. I'm not sure exactly who took the time to conduct this uh... really worthwhile study, but hey, I'm not out there doing any fieldwork, so I guess I can't roll my eyes. But apparently it's all in the attitude >_>

First day of SUESS was good; had nearly 30 people at rehearsal which was nice to see ^^ It really made a difference to the whole feel and sound of everything. Hopefully they all come back next week >_<

And um... yeah, that's about all. Oh, and watching the Winter Olympics made me REALLY want to go skiing.. only a few months left until the ski season starts. This year there will be no more of this 10:00 start business. I'll be there at 8:00 when the lifts open. I'll make it happen somehow xD

It could be so sweet~

I think I'm starting to get it now. I'm not saying that that's how I want to be, or that that's how I'm going to be, but I think I'm beginning to understand the why of it all.

I can't remember the last time I actually felt carefree, interesting or smiled that much. Too bad it was only one day.

You Can't Miss What You Never Had...

... But you can miss what you did have, even if it was just for a little while.

I'm not much of a people person, so admittedly I didn't make friends with every student who went to Kongju on my program. But the friends I did make, I miss a lot. Maybe it's because I'd forgotten what it was actually like to gain new friendships. Having people there to chat with whenever, people to sit around with at night, people to go grab a [cheap, awesome, korean] meal with just randomly, people to have a drink with. I didn't think it was possible to become close with somebody during just a few weeks, but the fact that it was so hard to part with them proved that theory wrong. And I can't remember the last time I shed a tear with a goodbye. Maybe it's cos I'm older now and the implication of saying goodbye weighs heavier in my mind. Or maybe I'm just getting soft =.=

Either way, the trip to Korea, although short, was pretty inspiring. I've got some goals to work towards now, which is a refreshing change. First, I want to devote some time to actually learning some Korean, not just sitting around and thinking about how it would be nice to understand the language. Which leads to the second thing, which is going back to Kongju on another program, maybe for a few months, just to be immersed in the language and the culture. I think it'd be a really awesome experience. And thirdly, I want to study harder this year, so that maybe, MAYBE next year I can go on exchange to America for a semester. And so that maybe I'll be offered a place in honors.

But uh... to do most of those I need to get a job, so... as soon as I get my macbook up and running again I'll be printing off my resume and job hunting. My charger decided to break the day I got back from Korea when my battery was already pretty dead, so... I've been using my dad's laptop for the past few days =.= But on the job thing... I'm going for my RSA on Feb 18, so hopefully that'll open up some more job possibilities.

Oh and also in Korea, I realized that I CAN actually survive without eating junk food all the time >_> So now I'm in Sydney again I'll try not to go back to being such a fatty xD

So I guess... I want things to be different this year. Hopefully I'll be able to make it happen. Well, not hopefully. I'll make it happen when I make it happen :)