So What.

Sometimes I worry that I don't quite fit the mould. Like there's something about me that's inherently unlikeable and awkward, and that's why I'm not so great at making new friends, and because I have no way of isolating it, I'll never be able to fix it, and as a result I'll never fit in anywhere. And sometimes I wish that I could tear myself apart, recycle, and create somebody entirely new. It doesn't exactly put me in the best of moods, but it's not like I can help it. There are times when these kinds of feelings come rushing to the surface.

But then I'm torn. Because if I were in fact one of those people who seem to know the secret handshake that in reality I can only dream about, what would I be like? I'd probably be exclusive and look down on people like the current me. And that's not how I really want to live my life. I guess I'd rather be my insignificant and rather loserly self who is willing to give anyone a chance, than somebody who looks down their nose at others just because they feel like they can.

So I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want to alter who I am to fit in [even though I don't know how], yet at other times I just think "fuck you all, I'm going be me, and I don't give a shit whether or not you judge me for it". If this means that I'm still "looking for myself" or whatever, I'm going to be pissed. Surely by 19 one should have some kind of sense of self identity. Or maybe not. Guess I'll just look back on this in a few years and see how self-realized I actually was.