You Make Me Wanna Die.

I just got really annoyed by reading people's comments on YouTube videos xD Naivety really does fuel stigma to a ridiculous extent. If people just opened their goddamn eyes, and quit being such narrow minded, self absorbed jackasses, there would be less problems in the world.

So to all the whiners out there, both in real life and online. To all the people who are so sexually unaware and un-accepting that they may as well go around wearing t-shirts that say "I'm going to be celibate for eternity", to all the racists, the homophobes, sexists, superficial dipshits, ageists, religious extremists... not everyone is like you. That doesn't mean that anybody is right or wrong. What it means is that there is more than one way to perceive an issue, idea or situation. I mean, I accept the fact that such idiots actually exist and have a right to exist in society, even if I don't necessarily agree with it. So grow the fuck up, be a human being, learn to accept differences and be opinionated without shoving your beliefs in anyone's face, and stop being disrespectful. It takes all kinds to make a world.

Is It Too Much That I Asked You For?

Bottom line: If they're not trying to contact you, don't wait around. If they're not asking you to do things, don't live in hope. If they don't give as much of a shit about you as you do for them, walk away. They might be an awesome person, but... it's not worth it. It's not worth it at all.

I think I'm over the hill. Or at least, I care significantly less than I did a week ago. It's a little fucked up that the road to self preservation when it comes to these things is not caring, but hey, I'm not really complaining. And even though I had no alternatives and nowhere else to turn, I feel as though I wasted way too much of my time, effort and life on this utterly hopeless case. It was never going to happen. Ever. I was just a blind moron who remained pathetically optimistic for an extended period of time. And I guess that guys can have that effect, but never again. I am determined to never let it get that far ever, ever again. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Give Me 20 Good Reasons... To Let You Go.

I know I'm not even in a relationship, I've never been in a relationship, and my love life has been non-existent for far too long. But... I think I finally understand why some people stay in relationships where things break down, where things are dysfunctional more than anything else, where things are so rocky it would almost seem like relief to give up, or where, a lot of the time, everything is just terrible. You live for the good things. And no matter how bad it may get, the good things overshadow the bad things, even if the bad things are far more numerous. Which is shit, no matter which way you turn it, but at least I kind of understand now why I've been putting myself through hell, and wanting to stay close to him even though it hurts.

I somehow brought myself to believe that it's worth it. That the standing by, unable to do or say anything, the pointless caring, the wanting of someone who is impossible to reach, the conflicting emotions, and the rejection are all worth it. It's all worth it because at the end of the day, he'll smile and talk to me, and make me believe that I can live with it. He'll make me believe it's not such a hurdle, after all. That I won't go home and feel like a complete, pathetic loser. Which is why, I suppose, feeling things for other people can be so dangerous, and why people call it 'putting yourself out there'. Because if the other person doesn't put themselves out there too, you're left hanging by yourself with nobody to catch you when you inevitably fall. Which comes back to the small, good things blinding you to the reality of the situation.

I guess there's nothing to be done but to wait it out. I know that one day, I'll read back over this and laugh, because what is so important to me now won't mean jackshit. One day I'll laugh at my own idiocy, and wonder why I spent so much time and energy on this guy. But today's not that day. Thursday's going to be a bitch, next Monday will be equally shit, but after that... I won't see him much. I'll have time to put myself back together and move on. Or at least, that's the plan.

I Hope You Don't Mind, Hope You Don't Mind...

...that I put down in words... how wonderful life is now you're in the world.

It's different. It's unexpected, it's not what I'm used to, and I don't know really what to do about it. Because for the first time, there is nothing I CAN do. There's no sliver of hope, and no benefit of the doubt. It's the first time that, even when faced with an absolute prospect, and even though I know, first hand, that it is not going to work, I've persevered. And fuck, I don't know why.

So after I told him, it was pure relief for a few sweet weeks. I slipped back into liking him, but it was liking him without all of the loserly side effects, like the pining and the whinging and the wishing and the hoping, so... it was more me just liking him as a person. Which was fine. I felt as though I could take it or leave it. And now... well, I had one-on-one time with him for the first time in a while, and... one minute it was all fine and friendly, and the next minute we were standing really close, and he was looking right at me, and shit got fucking out of control. It was like... all these thoughts and feelings or whatever the fuck they were that I thought I would never have to deal with again came rushing back to the surface. Seriously. What the FUCK.

It's so, so stupid. Because there is literally no way forward. There is nothing beyond this point. There is no way for me to justify feeling anything at all for him anymore. I got my damn closure, and in the past that was enough. I am actually the biggest fucking moron in the world. Is he really that great? Am I actually that masochistic? I don't understand. I always say guys are fuckwits, but... well, girls can be pretty damn stupid, too.

I Don't Want To Wait For Our Lives To Be Over.

I neglected to mention this before... I told him. I got the response I thought I'd get [and I appreciate that he didn't actually shut me down in a blatant and horrible way]. And now I can finally, finally forget him. Every other time I've pulled a stunt like this, I've woken up the next day feeling like I made a monumental mistake. Not this time. Because he was very sweet about it, and I just really needed to get it off my chest. The whole 'healing process' is well underway, and I don't think about him, I don't worry about him, I don't care if he gets together with the Singaporean girl. I had forgotten what it was like to not care; it is so refreshing. And it's about goddamn time.

Twenty Thousand Tears I've Cried.

Why is it that the one person I would have happily taken a bullet for not see me in the same way? How is that fair? And why does it always have to turn out this way? I knew that it was coming, don't get me wrong, but I guess it's just a little sad that for nearly 2 years I tried to get closer to this guy, tried to know him better, felt happy every time he smiled, spent more time than I should have thinking about him, and wondering if I had a shot in hell. And now it's completely redundant. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I know it's not meant to always be this way, but at the same time, this is all I've ever experienced. So what the fuck do I know about how it is or isn't meant to be when I don't have a single, positive shred of criteria to compare anything against?

I've had one night stands with guys I cared about, but who didn't care about me. I've seen a perfectly good friendship [bordering on something else] torn to shreds. I've had crushes on guys who turned out to be complete, undeniable, unbelievable douchebags. I've liked guys who, in all honesty, would not have cared if I lived or died. And I've been on dates with a guy who turned out to be a self confessed polygamist. Is it so much to ask that things just work out one time? I'm not sure whether to stand in one, self preserving place, or to keep on trudging through all the heartache and disappointment until I find something good. Because as much as I enjoy my independence, and not having my feelings and life linked almost inextricably with that of somebody else, there are times when I don't want to be alone. But in the end, it's so much harder to find someone to not be alone with than to keep silent in solitude.

Everything Is Falling, And I Don't Know Where To Land.

Yep. I should definitely just shoot myself in the foot or something. I have no doubts that it would be less painful, melodrama be damned.