I Hope You Don't Mind, Hope You Don't Mind...

...that I put down in words... how wonderful life is now you're in the world.

It's different. It's unexpected, it's not what I'm used to, and I don't know really what to do about it. Because for the first time, there is nothing I CAN do. There's no sliver of hope, and no benefit of the doubt. It's the first time that, even when faced with an absolute prospect, and even though I know, first hand, that it is not going to work, I've persevered. And fuck, I don't know why.

So after I told him, it was pure relief for a few sweet weeks. I slipped back into liking him, but it was liking him without all of the loserly side effects, like the pining and the whinging and the wishing and the hoping, so... it was more me just liking him as a person. Which was fine. I felt as though I could take it or leave it. And now... well, I had one-on-one time with him for the first time in a while, and... one minute it was all fine and friendly, and the next minute we were standing really close, and he was looking right at me, and shit got fucking out of control. It was like... all these thoughts and feelings or whatever the fuck they were that I thought I would never have to deal with again came rushing back to the surface. Seriously. What the FUCK.

It's so, so stupid. Because there is literally no way forward. There is nothing beyond this point. There is no way for me to justify feeling anything at all for him anymore. I got my damn closure, and in the past that was enough. I am actually the biggest fucking moron in the world. Is he really that great? Am I actually that masochistic? I don't understand. I always say guys are fuckwits, but... well, girls can be pretty damn stupid, too.