Why is it that the one person I would have happily taken a bullet for not see me in the same way? How is that fair? And why does it always have to turn out this way? I knew that it was coming, don't get me wrong, but I guess it's just a little sad that for nearly 2 years I tried to get closer to this guy, tried to know him better, felt happy every time he smiled, spent more time than I should have thinking about him, and wondering if I had a shot in hell. And now it's completely redundant. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I know it's not meant to always be this way, but at the same time, this is all I've ever experienced. So what the fuck do I know about how it is or isn't meant to be when I don't have a single, positive shred of criteria to compare anything against?
I've had one night stands with guys I cared about, but who didn't care about me. I've seen a perfectly good friendship [bordering on something else] torn to shreds. I've had crushes on guys who turned out to be complete, undeniable, unbelievable douchebags. I've liked guys who, in all honesty, would not have cared if I lived or died. And I've been on dates with a guy who turned out to be a self confessed polygamist. Is it so much to ask that things just work out one time? I'm not sure whether to stand in one, self preserving place, or to keep on trudging through all the heartache and disappointment until I find something good. Because as much as I enjoy my independence, and not having my feelings and life linked almost inextricably with that of somebody else, there are times when I don't want to be alone. But in the end, it's so much harder to find someone to not be alone with than to keep silent in solitude.
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