Make The Stars Look Like They're Not Shining

"And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while. Cos you're amazing, just the way you are".

This song has been bouncing around and around in my head for ages. I guess it's the ideal song for unattractive people =.=

As a side note, I'm seeing HPguy tomorrow afternoon. He'll probably be happier to see his umbrella being returned to him more than anything, but still... something is better than nothing, I suppose.

An Analogy

- It's like acne or a diseased, stray animal or something. I just want to kick it in the ribs and have it die so that it'll quit following me around and I can move on without it -


Was talking to A. just now. Came up with an analogy for my ridiculous liking-of-HPguy situation that's coming up to its 1.5 year anniversary. Decided to record it here just for kicks. And just in advance, come tomorrow evening I'll most likely have yet another mortifying event to pencil into my personal history. Oh well. It might take time, but in the end we regret what we didn't do more than what we did. So I guess that ultimately I'd rather know that I put myself out there than wonder why I didn't step up when I could've. In light of recent events, I suppose that I want to avoid regretting inaction [in regards to people, at least. Can't say my studies are benefiting much from this new leaf].

And anyway. Practice makes perfect. One of these days it's going to work out. It won't be tomorrow, but someday.

A Moment, A Love, A Dream, A Laugh, A Kiss, A Cry, Our Rights, Our Wrongs.

He's gone. And I cried for the first time I can remember in a situation like this. Apparently he was peaceful, and it was over quickly. Which is as much as anyone could have hoped for given his difficult circumstance.

But I'm sorry for all those days I slept in and didn't spend enough time visiting. I'm sorry we never got to share one of those beers that the nurses let Nan sneak in to the hospital room. And I'm sorry that I didn't go with mum this morning to visit, even though I could have.

Could have, would have, should have.

I'll miss him. Everyone will.

Big Girls Don't Cry

It's one of the worst things in the world to see a parent cry. Maybe it's because our whole lives, we as children got so used to being the ones shedding the tears, and having our parents pat us on the back and tell us that it's all okay, really. So when it's our turn to provide some form of comfort, we're not entirely sure how to adequately reciprocate. It's okay with peers. With friends, usually it's a matter of going to buy hot chocolate, giving hugs, lending and ear and, if applicable and appropriate, offering thorough verbally abuse of the person or people who caused the problems to try and get a smile. But it's not quite the same with an adult. And anyway, this isn't something that can be made marginally better by humor.

Nobody close to me has ever died. But I was around when dad lost both of his parents, and just today I found out that my mum doesn't expect my grandad to even make it to next Friday. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like. When I was little, I used to have nightmares about my parents dying. But I'm sure that not even the worst nightmares can compare to the actual thing, when there's no chance of waking up and knowing that none of it was real.

I have no idea what Pop's thinking. They have him so drugged up that half the time it doesn't appear that he even knows what he's saying. Sometimes he can't even get the words out, and apparently today he couldn't even find the energy to eat. He hasn't been able to walk for over a month, has his bladder connected to a bag, can't pick up a fork to feed himself. Actually, I hope he's really out of it. That way, he can't be upset about the way things are. But he'd be the only one. Watching Nan is actually heartbreaking, and in a way, as far as pain goes, she has it worse than pop does. Imagine being by the side of your husband of over 50 years, watching him slip further and further away, and knowing that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to help him get better. I can't even begin to comprehend.

The other day he asked Nan, "when are we going home?". And I felt like I was going to cry. I don't know whether he'll make it that long, but if he does, I swear that as soon as my exams are done, I'll drive the six hours to Tumut and take photos and pick up some things to bring back. He might not even recognize anything by then, but at least it'll be there.

If there is a god, where the fuck is it?

Ground Zero

So after a string of bullshit and failure, I'm reverting temporarily to my zero-expectations policy. In theory, zero expectation means zero disappointment, which would be nice for a while. So that's how it's going to be. I'm so tired of putting myself through hell for absolutely no good reason whatsoever.

"Pools of sorrow, Waves of Joy are Drifting Through My Opened Mind"

I realized today that at some point in the near future, I have to start thinking about the next stage in my life; where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do... it scares me a little, not because of the fact that I'll be starting something new... it's more the idea that there are so many possibilities. We're spoilt for choice, really. So much to do and never enough time.

All I know is that after I graduate, I'm getting the hell out of Australia for a while. Taking the midnight train going anywhere. One possibility that is growing increasingly attractive is moving to America for a while. Change of scenery, but not so much so that I'd feel entirely uncomfortable and out of my depth, yet still different enough to be entirely appreciated. Maybe I'll do a part-time post grad and work at the same time.

I'm not determined about a lot of things because I'm so goddamn lazy, but the one thing I really, really want is to not be stuck in Sydney forever. The prospect of doing that is just... well, it sucks, pretty much. It's not that I don't like Sydney, because for the most part I do, and it's where I've spent the majority of my life to date, but... I really want to go places and try new things, and not stay in one place until I'm too old to care what else is out there. Because what if I get older, and by the time I hit 30 I don't want to travel any more? I figure I should do what I can while I can.

Which reminds me. I should probably do my stupid poster [yes, a POSTER. In UNIVERSITY] for language acquisition that's due tomorrow. Sigh. I swear, when this semester finishes I will be researching American universities like there's nothing else on earth.

"Oh, please don't do that. That's so painfully dumb".

I was watching youtube clips today and not doing my assignment due Monday afternoon [and now I'm blogging. So studious], and I got around to some things of Tom Hardy. And I stumbled across this one clip that involved a mention of homosexuality. And pretty much, it was two hosts of some internet show saying that some [dumbass] interviewer asked Tom Hardy whether he'd ever had gay sex. Now, it bothers me enough that it's even an issue, today, in the 21st century, in a 'free' country, and that some people still kick up a fuss over homosexuality. But to ask that in an interview of an entirely genius actor is just plain rude, stupid, and entirely irrelevant to the cause.

However, Hardy basically replied and said [in summary] "yeah, I tried it. There were some aspects I enjoyed, some I didn't. And I still identify pretty well with gay men. So yeah, I've given it a go, but now, in my 30s, for whatever reason it just doesn't do it for me anymore".

And this brought a ton of ideas and feelings to the surface that bother me at different times. Because what he said was just so honest and "This is who I am. Don't care what you think", and to my mind provided such a stark contrast to all of those fakers, both in the celebrity world and in real life, who contort their self-image to meet a superficial end. One of the hosts then went on to say that he hopes that nobody on the movie scene starts to discriminate based on his statement, like taking away any lead roles or whatever. And I like the way he worded the next bit, so I quote: "Oh, please don't do that. That's so painfully dumb".

So I guess it's kind of two things that struck me. One, the world needs more people like Tom Hardy, who take things as they are and don't mince around the issue. And seriously people. It's not as though I'm gay, and I'm not exactly smart, but even I know that homosexuality is not a disease. You're not going to 'catch' it off somebody. It's not repulsive. If two people love each other, no matter what sex they are, then others should grow the hell up and respect that. Because it doesn't mean that they're intellectually lacking, that they have yet to 'see the light', and most importantly, it doesn't make them bad people.

And two, I wish more people could be so honest about themselves. You see it everywhere, the people who just try so hard to be part of the 'in' crowd, who try to be cool, who manipulate themselves into a better light, who are, in short, reflections of other people or shallow replications of who they wish they could be. It just makes me think of all the times I wished I were somebody else because they were 'cooler', or told white lies to smooth over my image, or pretended to like something just because people I looked up to liked it, or let other people sway my own decisions or perceptions of something. I mean, I should know better, right? Learned all that shit in psychology. Sometimes it's good to follow the crowd, and it's good to be a sheep. Like if everyone else is running away from a fire, it's probably a good idea to run with them. But when it comes to yourself and who you are... I believe it's good to take interest in what other people are saying and doing, so that you're not living in an egocentric bubble, but really... make your own opinions. And be your own person. And fuck society or anyone who tells you you're doing it wrong, that you're not cool, that what you like is stupid.

So the bottom line is: Don't be worried about showing your true colors. Because at least you're living honestly. And if any one person is decent, they should respect that, even if they don't agree with you. Because with some things, there is no right and wrong. Only opinions, different perspectives and interpretations. Roll with it.