"Oh, please don't do that. That's so painfully dumb".

I was watching youtube clips today and not doing my assignment due Monday afternoon [and now I'm blogging. So studious], and I got around to some things of Tom Hardy. And I stumbled across this one clip that involved a mention of homosexuality. And pretty much, it was two hosts of some internet show saying that some [dumbass] interviewer asked Tom Hardy whether he'd ever had gay sex. Now, it bothers me enough that it's even an issue, today, in the 21st century, in a 'free' country, and that some people still kick up a fuss over homosexuality. But to ask that in an interview of an entirely genius actor is just plain rude, stupid, and entirely irrelevant to the cause.

However, Hardy basically replied and said [in summary] "yeah, I tried it. There were some aspects I enjoyed, some I didn't. And I still identify pretty well with gay men. So yeah, I've given it a go, but now, in my 30s, for whatever reason it just doesn't do it for me anymore".

And this brought a ton of ideas and feelings to the surface that bother me at different times. Because what he said was just so honest and "This is who I am. Don't care what you think", and to my mind provided such a stark contrast to all of those fakers, both in the celebrity world and in real life, who contort their self-image to meet a superficial end. One of the hosts then went on to say that he hopes that nobody on the movie scene starts to discriminate based on his statement, like taking away any lead roles or whatever. And I like the way he worded the next bit, so I quote: "Oh, please don't do that. That's so painfully dumb".

So I guess it's kind of two things that struck me. One, the world needs more people like Tom Hardy, who take things as they are and don't mince around the issue. And seriously people. It's not as though I'm gay, and I'm not exactly smart, but even I know that homosexuality is not a disease. You're not going to 'catch' it off somebody. It's not repulsive. If two people love each other, no matter what sex they are, then others should grow the hell up and respect that. Because it doesn't mean that they're intellectually lacking, that they have yet to 'see the light', and most importantly, it doesn't make them bad people.

And two, I wish more people could be so honest about themselves. You see it everywhere, the people who just try so hard to be part of the 'in' crowd, who try to be cool, who manipulate themselves into a better light, who are, in short, reflections of other people or shallow replications of who they wish they could be. It just makes me think of all the times I wished I were somebody else because they were 'cooler', or told white lies to smooth over my image, or pretended to like something just because people I looked up to liked it, or let other people sway my own decisions or perceptions of something. I mean, I should know better, right? Learned all that shit in psychology. Sometimes it's good to follow the crowd, and it's good to be a sheep. Like if everyone else is running away from a fire, it's probably a good idea to run with them. But when it comes to yourself and who you are... I believe it's good to take interest in what other people are saying and doing, so that you're not living in an egocentric bubble, but really... make your own opinions. And be your own person. And fuck society or anyone who tells you you're doing it wrong, that you're not cool, that what you like is stupid.

So the bottom line is: Don't be worried about showing your true colors. Because at least you're living honestly. And if any one person is decent, they should respect that, even if they don't agree with you. Because with some things, there is no right and wrong. Only opinions, different perspectives and interpretations. Roll with it.

So What.

Sometimes I worry that I don't quite fit the mould. Like there's something about me that's inherently unlikeable and awkward, and that's why I'm not so great at making new friends, and because I have no way of isolating it, I'll never be able to fix it, and as a result I'll never fit in anywhere. And sometimes I wish that I could tear myself apart, recycle, and create somebody entirely new. It doesn't exactly put me in the best of moods, but it's not like I can help it. There are times when these kinds of feelings come rushing to the surface.

But then I'm torn. Because if I were in fact one of those people who seem to know the secret handshake that in reality I can only dream about, what would I be like? I'd probably be exclusive and look down on people like the current me. And that's not how I really want to live my life. I guess I'd rather be my insignificant and rather loserly self who is willing to give anyone a chance, than somebody who looks down their nose at others just because they feel like they can.

So I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want to alter who I am to fit in [even though I don't know how], yet at other times I just think "fuck you all, I'm going be me, and I don't give a shit whether or not you judge me for it". If this means that I'm still "looking for myself" or whatever, I'm going to be pissed. Surely by 19 one should have some kind of sense of self identity. Or maybe not. Guess I'll just look back on this in a few years and see how self-realized I actually was.

Even Though You Wouldn't Want Me Too.

Apparently it's chronic. You're not quite as forgotten as I wish you were.

Oh, What A Thing To Do

"D'you know, for you I bleed myself dry. For you, I bleed myself dry"

I managed to kid myself into thinking that maybe I had a shot in hell. But then reality hit, and everything reverted to the way it should be. And although I'm glad to be looking at things somewhat realistically again, I'm just wondering... are some people just not cut out for perfect endings? Is it merely a matter of being fortunate? And if you happen to be unfortunate, then that's it, game over?

For once, just once, it would be nice to be on the inside looking out, not on the outside looking in.

Everything Is Never As It Seems

"I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind".

One one hand, I really wish I hadn't. But on the other... I wouldn't want it any other way. Guess I'll stop pretending, just go with it and see where it takes me. And I pray to my agnostic deity that I will not do anything moronic along the way.

And it would help if you stopped being so... you. Goddammit.

.

Caring is so over rated.

At The End Of The Day...

So many things about so many people. Significant enough to mean something to me, yet not quite worthy of being voiced.

----

1. Please don't turn into a dickhead. I know that you're so much better than that.

2. I'm glad that we can still talk as easily as we could before everything changed. It means more than I'm ever gonna admit to.

3. When you asked me for my opinion, I said "It's really good!". What I really meant was "It's so, so beautiful". But how could I say that?

4. You weren't there when I so desperately needed someone to save me.

5. I only realized the other day how kind you are to me, and how I smile if I make you laugh. I hope that this epiphany doesn't make me stupid.

6. Thanks for listening. I'll definitely be there for you too.

7. Please stop saying things like that. Don't go.

8. Honestly, it makes me want to slap you when you act that way. Get some perspective.

9. I'm still here with my silent apologies and the tears that you never saw.

10. Why not try climbing down from your mountain every now and again to see how the little people live?

11. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

12. I hope that one day I'll have a chance to return the favor. Maybe then you'll understand.

13. I hope you know how much I love you. Even though sometimes I don't make it easy to see.

14. I miss you.

15. Thank you. There are no other words.