Ground Zero

So after a string of bullshit and failure, I'm reverting temporarily to my zero-expectations policy. In theory, zero expectation means zero disappointment, which would be nice for a while. So that's how it's going to be. I'm so tired of putting myself through hell for absolutely no good reason whatsoever.

"Pools of sorrow, Waves of Joy are Drifting Through My Opened Mind"

I realized today that at some point in the near future, I have to start thinking about the next stage in my life; where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do... it scares me a little, not because of the fact that I'll be starting something new... it's more the idea that there are so many possibilities. We're spoilt for choice, really. So much to do and never enough time.

All I know is that after I graduate, I'm getting the hell out of Australia for a while. Taking the midnight train going anywhere. One possibility that is growing increasingly attractive is moving to America for a while. Change of scenery, but not so much so that I'd feel entirely uncomfortable and out of my depth, yet still different enough to be entirely appreciated. Maybe I'll do a part-time post grad and work at the same time.

I'm not determined about a lot of things because I'm so goddamn lazy, but the one thing I really, really want is to not be stuck in Sydney forever. The prospect of doing that is just... well, it sucks, pretty much. It's not that I don't like Sydney, because for the most part I do, and it's where I've spent the majority of my life to date, but... I really want to go places and try new things, and not stay in one place until I'm too old to care what else is out there. Because what if I get older, and by the time I hit 30 I don't want to travel any more? I figure I should do what I can while I can.

Which reminds me. I should probably do my stupid poster [yes, a POSTER. In UNIVERSITY] for language acquisition that's due tomorrow. Sigh. I swear, when this semester finishes I will be researching American universities like there's nothing else on earth.

"Oh, please don't do that. That's so painfully dumb".

I was watching youtube clips today and not doing my assignment due Monday afternoon [and now I'm blogging. So studious], and I got around to some things of Tom Hardy. And I stumbled across this one clip that involved a mention of homosexuality. And pretty much, it was two hosts of some internet show saying that some [dumbass] interviewer asked Tom Hardy whether he'd ever had gay sex. Now, it bothers me enough that it's even an issue, today, in the 21st century, in a 'free' country, and that some people still kick up a fuss over homosexuality. But to ask that in an interview of an entirely genius actor is just plain rude, stupid, and entirely irrelevant to the cause.

However, Hardy basically replied and said [in summary] "yeah, I tried it. There were some aspects I enjoyed, some I didn't. And I still identify pretty well with gay men. So yeah, I've given it a go, but now, in my 30s, for whatever reason it just doesn't do it for me anymore".

And this brought a ton of ideas and feelings to the surface that bother me at different times. Because what he said was just so honest and "This is who I am. Don't care what you think", and to my mind provided such a stark contrast to all of those fakers, both in the celebrity world and in real life, who contort their self-image to meet a superficial end. One of the hosts then went on to say that he hopes that nobody on the movie scene starts to discriminate based on his statement, like taking away any lead roles or whatever. And I like the way he worded the next bit, so I quote: "Oh, please don't do that. That's so painfully dumb".

So I guess it's kind of two things that struck me. One, the world needs more people like Tom Hardy, who take things as they are and don't mince around the issue. And seriously people. It's not as though I'm gay, and I'm not exactly smart, but even I know that homosexuality is not a disease. You're not going to 'catch' it off somebody. It's not repulsive. If two people love each other, no matter what sex they are, then others should grow the hell up and respect that. Because it doesn't mean that they're intellectually lacking, that they have yet to 'see the light', and most importantly, it doesn't make them bad people.

And two, I wish more people could be so honest about themselves. You see it everywhere, the people who just try so hard to be part of the 'in' crowd, who try to be cool, who manipulate themselves into a better light, who are, in short, reflections of other people or shallow replications of who they wish they could be. It just makes me think of all the times I wished I were somebody else because they were 'cooler', or told white lies to smooth over my image, or pretended to like something just because people I looked up to liked it, or let other people sway my own decisions or perceptions of something. I mean, I should know better, right? Learned all that shit in psychology. Sometimes it's good to follow the crowd, and it's good to be a sheep. Like if everyone else is running away from a fire, it's probably a good idea to run with them. But when it comes to yourself and who you are... I believe it's good to take interest in what other people are saying and doing, so that you're not living in an egocentric bubble, but really... make your own opinions. And be your own person. And fuck society or anyone who tells you you're doing it wrong, that you're not cool, that what you like is stupid.

So the bottom line is: Don't be worried about showing your true colors. Because at least you're living honestly. And if any one person is decent, they should respect that, even if they don't agree with you. Because with some things, there is no right and wrong. Only opinions, different perspectives and interpretations. Roll with it.

So What.

Sometimes I worry that I don't quite fit the mould. Like there's something about me that's inherently unlikeable and awkward, and that's why I'm not so great at making new friends, and because I have no way of isolating it, I'll never be able to fix it, and as a result I'll never fit in anywhere. And sometimes I wish that I could tear myself apart, recycle, and create somebody entirely new. It doesn't exactly put me in the best of moods, but it's not like I can help it. There are times when these kinds of feelings come rushing to the surface.

But then I'm torn. Because if I were in fact one of those people who seem to know the secret handshake that in reality I can only dream about, what would I be like? I'd probably be exclusive and look down on people like the current me. And that's not how I really want to live my life. I guess I'd rather be my insignificant and rather loserly self who is willing to give anyone a chance, than somebody who looks down their nose at others just because they feel like they can.

So I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want to alter who I am to fit in [even though I don't know how], yet at other times I just think "fuck you all, I'm going be me, and I don't give a shit whether or not you judge me for it". If this means that I'm still "looking for myself" or whatever, I'm going to be pissed. Surely by 19 one should have some kind of sense of self identity. Or maybe not. Guess I'll just look back on this in a few years and see how self-realized I actually was.

Even Though You Wouldn't Want Me Too.

Apparently it's chronic. You're not quite as forgotten as I wish you were.

Oh, What A Thing To Do

"D'you know, for you I bleed myself dry. For you, I bleed myself dry"

I managed to kid myself into thinking that maybe I had a shot in hell. But then reality hit, and everything reverted to the way it should be. And although I'm glad to be looking at things somewhat realistically again, I'm just wondering... are some people just not cut out for perfect endings? Is it merely a matter of being fortunate? And if you happen to be unfortunate, then that's it, game over?

For once, just once, it would be nice to be on the inside looking out, not on the outside looking in.

Everything Is Never As It Seems

"I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind".

One one hand, I really wish I hadn't. But on the other... I wouldn't want it any other way. Guess I'll stop pretending, just go with it and see where it takes me. And I pray to my agnostic deity that I will not do anything moronic along the way.

And it would help if you stopped being so... you. Goddammit.