Ain't Nobody Gonna Tell Us To Go, Cos This Is Our Show.

It's about fucking time. The day has come where HPguy doesn't make me happy. He doesn't make me happy, he doesn't make me sad.. he doesn't make me feel anything at all. Nothing. Thank fucking god. Bye, HPguy. After all of that, nothing happened and it really wasn't worth it, but... he's still something kinda special as far as guys go. Whoever he eventually ends up with once he stops being emotionally stunted i.e. borderline asexual is going to be pretty lucky, but it's not going to be me, and that honestly doesn't bother me even a little. It took so long to get to this point, but I guess the more you care about someone and the longer you liked them, the more time it takes to leave all of it behind.

Given certain recent, disgusting, Irish happenings in combination with the 100% non-success/disaster rate of my attempts at having some sort of relationship or even securing a date, I am currently of the opinion that I will never sleep with or give two shits about anyone of the male variety ever, ever again. But I can live with that. The important thing is that for the moment, for the first time in a while, everything's sweet.

I Can't Keep Up, And I Can't Back Down.

At the end of the day, I guess I'd rather pretend that everything's fine and die a little inside every time he does something nice for me. What else is there to do? And it's better than nothing, really. I can live with that.

Forgetting All I'm Lacking, Completely Incomplete...

Don't show up unexpectedly when I'm trying to avoid you.

Don't hang around and make conversation like you give a shit.

Don't come and stand right next to me when there are a dozen other people you could be talking to.

Don't even tentatively agree to do another duet.

Don't wait for me to get out of a motherfucking society meeting so that we can be on the same bus for 3 minutes.

Don't. It's ridiculous, pathetic, and I despise feeling like I have no defenses. Just don't.

It makes it so fucking difficult.

It Starts Out Easy, Something Simple, Something Sleazy.

''...something inching past the edge of reserve".

Dear questioningly existent overlord, I cannot do this again. This semester has to be different. Has to be. As in, I may actually implode upon myself if I have to go through everything one more time. I mean, today went well, so let it stay that way. I've got enough shit to be getting on with in life. He technically has no reason to be of any importance to me, so for the love of god, let me leave him behind.

You Make Me Wanna Die.

I just got really annoyed by reading people's comments on YouTube videos xD Naivety really does fuel stigma to a ridiculous extent. If people just opened their goddamn eyes, and quit being such narrow minded, self absorbed jackasses, there would be less problems in the world.

So to all the whiners out there, both in real life and online. To all the people who are so sexually unaware and un-accepting that they may as well go around wearing t-shirts that say "I'm going to be celibate for eternity", to all the racists, the homophobes, sexists, superficial dipshits, ageists, religious extremists... not everyone is like you. That doesn't mean that anybody is right or wrong. What it means is that there is more than one way to perceive an issue, idea or situation. I mean, I accept the fact that such idiots actually exist and have a right to exist in society, even if I don't necessarily agree with it. So grow the fuck up, be a human being, learn to accept differences and be opinionated without shoving your beliefs in anyone's face, and stop being disrespectful. It takes all kinds to make a world.

Is It Too Much That I Asked You For?

Bottom line: If they're not trying to contact you, don't wait around. If they're not asking you to do things, don't live in hope. If they don't give as much of a shit about you as you do for them, walk away. They might be an awesome person, but... it's not worth it. It's not worth it at all.

I think I'm over the hill. Or at least, I care significantly less than I did a week ago. It's a little fucked up that the road to self preservation when it comes to these things is not caring, but hey, I'm not really complaining. And even though I had no alternatives and nowhere else to turn, I feel as though I wasted way too much of my time, effort and life on this utterly hopeless case. It was never going to happen. Ever. I was just a blind moron who remained pathetically optimistic for an extended period of time. And I guess that guys can have that effect, but never again. I am determined to never let it get that far ever, ever again. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Give Me 20 Good Reasons... To Let You Go.

I know I'm not even in a relationship, I've never been in a relationship, and my love life has been non-existent for far too long. But... I think I finally understand why some people stay in relationships where things break down, where things are dysfunctional more than anything else, where things are so rocky it would almost seem like relief to give up, or where, a lot of the time, everything is just terrible. You live for the good things. And no matter how bad it may get, the good things overshadow the bad things, even if the bad things are far more numerous. Which is shit, no matter which way you turn it, but at least I kind of understand now why I've been putting myself through hell, and wanting to stay close to him even though it hurts.

I somehow brought myself to believe that it's worth it. That the standing by, unable to do or say anything, the pointless caring, the wanting of someone who is impossible to reach, the conflicting emotions, and the rejection are all worth it. It's all worth it because at the end of the day, he'll smile and talk to me, and make me believe that I can live with it. He'll make me believe it's not such a hurdle, after all. That I won't go home and feel like a complete, pathetic loser. Which is why, I suppose, feeling things for other people can be so dangerous, and why people call it 'putting yourself out there'. Because if the other person doesn't put themselves out there too, you're left hanging by yourself with nobody to catch you when you inevitably fall. Which comes back to the small, good things blinding you to the reality of the situation.

I guess there's nothing to be done but to wait it out. I know that one day, I'll read back over this and laugh, because what is so important to me now won't mean jackshit. One day I'll laugh at my own idiocy, and wonder why I spent so much time and energy on this guy. But today's not that day. Thursday's going to be a bitch, next Monday will be equally shit, but after that... I won't see him much. I'll have time to put myself back together and move on. Or at least, that's the plan.