I know I'm not even in a relationship, I've never been in a relationship, and my love life has been non-existent for far too long. But... I think I finally understand why some people stay in relationships where things break down, where things are dysfunctional more than anything else, where things are so rocky it would almost seem like relief to give up, or where, a lot of the time, everything is just terrible. You live for the good things. And no matter how bad it may get, the good things overshadow the bad things, even if the bad things are far more numerous. Which is shit, no matter which way you turn it, but at least I kind of understand now why I've been putting myself through hell, and wanting to stay close to him even though it hurts.
I somehow brought myself to believe that it's worth it. That the standing by, unable to do or say anything, the pointless caring, the wanting of someone who is impossible to reach, the conflicting emotions, and the rejection are all worth it. It's all worth it because at the end of the day, he'll smile and talk to me, and make me believe that I can live with it. He'll make me believe it's not such a hurdle, after all. That I won't go home and feel like a complete, pathetic loser. Which is why, I suppose, feeling things for other people can be so dangerous, and why people call it 'putting yourself out there'. Because if the other person doesn't put themselves out there too, you're left hanging by yourself with nobody to catch you when you inevitably fall. Which comes back to the small, good things blinding you to the reality of the situation.
I guess there's nothing to be done but to wait it out. I know that one day, I'll read back over this and laugh, because what is so important to me now won't mean jackshit. One day I'll laugh at my own idiocy, and wonder why I spent so much time and energy on this guy. But today's not that day. Thursday's going to be a bitch, next Monday will be equally shit, but after that... I won't see him much. I'll have time to put myself back together and move on. Or at least, that's the plan.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
I Hope You Don't Mind, Hope You Don't Mind...
...that I put down in words... how wonderful life is now you're in the world.
It's different. It's unexpected, it's not what I'm used to, and I don't know really what to do about it. Because for the first time, there is nothing I CAN do. There's no sliver of hope, and no benefit of the doubt. It's the first time that, even when faced with an absolute prospect, and even though I know, first hand, that it is not going to work, I've persevered. And fuck, I don't know why.
So after I told him, it was pure relief for a few sweet weeks. I slipped back into liking him, but it was liking him without all of the loserly side effects, like the pining and the whinging and the wishing and the hoping, so... it was more me just liking him as a person. Which was fine. I felt as though I could take it or leave it. And now... well, I had one-on-one time with him for the first time in a while, and... one minute it was all fine and friendly, and the next minute we were standing really close, and he was looking right at me, and shit got fucking out of control. It was like... all these thoughts and feelings or whatever the fuck they were that I thought I would never have to deal with again came rushing back to the surface. Seriously. What the FUCK.
It's so, so stupid. Because there is literally no way forward. There is nothing beyond this point. There is no way for me to justify feeling anything at all for him anymore. I got my damn closure, and in the past that was enough. I am actually the biggest fucking moron in the world. Is he really that great? Am I actually that masochistic? I don't understand. I always say guys are fuckwits, but... well, girls can be pretty damn stupid, too.
It's different. It's unexpected, it's not what I'm used to, and I don't know really what to do about it. Because for the first time, there is nothing I CAN do. There's no sliver of hope, and no benefit of the doubt. It's the first time that, even when faced with an absolute prospect, and even though I know, first hand, that it is not going to work, I've persevered. And fuck, I don't know why.
So after I told him, it was pure relief for a few sweet weeks. I slipped back into liking him, but it was liking him without all of the loserly side effects, like the pining and the whinging and the wishing and the hoping, so... it was more me just liking him as a person. Which was fine. I felt as though I could take it or leave it. And now... well, I had one-on-one time with him for the first time in a while, and... one minute it was all fine and friendly, and the next minute we were standing really close, and he was looking right at me, and shit got fucking out of control. It was like... all these thoughts and feelings or whatever the fuck they were that I thought I would never have to deal with again came rushing back to the surface. Seriously. What the FUCK.
It's so, so stupid. Because there is literally no way forward. There is nothing beyond this point. There is no way for me to justify feeling anything at all for him anymore. I got my damn closure, and in the past that was enough. I am actually the biggest fucking moron in the world. Is he really that great? Am I actually that masochistic? I don't understand. I always say guys are fuckwits, but... well, girls can be pretty damn stupid, too.
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