Falling To Pieces.

Because I'll never be able to say this in person...


Over the past year and a half, I've liked other guys. I've been on a couple 'dates', and they all ended disastrously. I've liked, and I've confessed, and I've lost, and yet I still keep coming back to him. And I mean... we're not super compatible. We come from completely different backgrounds. He's not that tall. He has a slight fob accent. He's never been in nor sought out a relationship. Yet for some reason, I persist in liking him. It's fruitless; a complete dead end. It's never going to go anywhere. He's clearly not interested. I'm not his type, if he even has a type. So why the fuck can't I let it go?

Maybe I'm a specific kind of masochist. Because truly, liking someone when the feeling is unreturned is like looking through one-way glass. You can see the other person through it, but no matter what you do, or what you say, nothing is going to make them see you. And technically speaking, they could flip that switch to turn the light on and see through to the other side, but they either don't need or don't want to. So basically you're left standing behind a barrier that's never going to give way, unless the other person chooses to let it [which they never will]. It's an unreachable, impossible goal. Guess that's why they call it a dream.

So... I can't say I'm going to walk away, because I've tried that. And I can't say that I'll find someone else to like, forget about him, or not care about it. Because I've tried all of those, too, and they don't work. I don't know what to do. I want closure without awkwardness. But of course, that's never what happens. So. What now?